healthy?

nope. I lose hours of sleep every night and have done so since I moved to the lovely town of saint-etienne and had the great fortune of using a super absorbant maxi-pad on top of a framework of popsickle sticks as a bed for over half a year. I won't even mention the dust and copious tobacco use/2nd hand smoke that is engrained in the air molecules in this fair, fair city. I have been stressed to no end with producing results for myself and this "team" of mine, none of which are prevalent in the way we portray ourselves. I have been malnourished for who the fuck knows how long and now that I've been staying in this crypt that doubles as a living space over a converted factory-turned-cinema, I'm getting these really rad irritating bumps that have formed on the fingers and toes of my right hand and foot. my eyes have basically fallen out of my head, as far as seeing is conerned and the glasses in this town are hundreds of euros. all I ask the holy hosts that I pay tribute to (every night) is to wake up the next day and to not let me die in such a mentally horrible place as this truly god-forsaken town. I now know to never, EVER take the advice of a person who spends 1/5th of their day playing with a child's toy and the other 4/5ths being high thinking about playing with a child's toy. I officially feel that you can't trust anyone on earth when it comes to your personal mental health and well being. if someone says to you that they care about you or have your best interests at heart, do 2 things:

1. see if you owe them money or are in some position to where you are beholden to them in some way, like you promised to release one of their records eventually...

2. ask yourself whether this person actually spends any significant time around you when you AREN'T doing something that would be classified as fun and full of merit, like performances for example.

also ask yourself this fun question:
"self, would any of these people I extend myself and my amenities for do the same for me if they were in a position to do so?"

I'll give you that answer right now and it's a high-flying NO. the pico-second someone puts themselves in a situation where "something better comes along" and this something better looks better than whatever it is that you had going on, people will line up to board the plane/train/automobile that is on it's way to the better thing in question and leave you sucking fumes. the worst part of this is when someone who doesn't have the decency to let go, tries to convince you that they have your best interests in mind somewhere along the lines of this priority switch and if you (or whoever, in this case me) just wait and follow procedure, then all will be grand. this is usually a lie and it's designed to keep a ace up the sleeve of whoever wishes to keep their "options open"........

as much as I hate life's twists and turns, I don't want to give up living. how backwards is that?

damn and damage

so a few dudes are departing my hare-brained label idea for greener pastures and hopefully greener paper. it definitely bums me out, but I'm used to people popping up and then going with whatever pays them more or is the better decision at the time. all this makes me wonder what it is that I am looking for at this point of my musical career? is it a home to insure my music will be understood and thus hopefully well received? is it a family to replace my own dysfunctional one or a crew to replace every failed attempt in the past? I really have no idea at this point. I barely know who my friends are and I have NO idea of the motivation people have when it comes to what I'm doing musically and the pursuit of it. it's really tough to do what you do by yourself and watch people pop up at the most convenient times to reap what's sown. it's like growing a seed and watching it turn into a tree, only to see someone come thru with a fat pocket and pick the best apples from the bunch. now the paradox in all of this is that the apples can't stay on the tree forever because they will become overripe and eventually rot, become prey to insect predators, or just fall off the tree to be eaten by any stray whatever that comes along to find it. I guess just watching other people grow up reminds me of how old I really am and how many chances you REALLY get to do what you do.
I often wonder what would have happened if I did a record for any other LA label instead of GSL and Alpha Pup and would it have led me to the same places it led many, many, many of my peers? if I wasn't a dude trying to follow the G code and do it "the real way" or at least MY way, would I have indeed broken the bank or at least had a better time at bat? fuck if I'll ever know but my heavy (and hopefully steady) heart will always look at pictures of such and such posing next to so and so and say to my brain "that SHOULD be us, WHY isn't it us? WHAT HAPPENED????" while my brain looks downward thru x-amount of blood vessels and the like and basically say "who knows? fuck it now, it's over..." while telling my fucked up hands to roll the next spliff to oblivion. I would like to live to see all of my friends successful, I would like even more to live to see myself successful and in turn, my friends and even enemies. who knew a pariah could be so handsome?

never gonna sleep by free kitten

it's a great song and a bad, bad idea. I've been getting 4.5 hours a night these days with all the plotting going on in my head. once I get good and horizonally relaxed, another rabid-dog like thought creeps into the purple corners of my gray streaked head, just BEGGING for attention at that exact fucking moment. after an hour of going thru this I awaken, jump on the computer, roll som'n up and in/exhale in the hopes I hyperventilate myself to the land of nod. then it's all tossing and turning for me until the mercury reaches it's coldest point or I see sunlight, which means it's like 9AM. this shit is insane. often nights, I listen to Ariel Pink
until I either black out or get up and turn it off. the most ironic thing is that I get better sleep with someone (a lady) in the bed, but since I have no steady girl these days this usually means I don't get a good night's rest in a bed with a lady because I'm up all night at her behest. I can't constantly fade that, so I stay single and sleepless in saint-etienne.......

now I got this hot body and she's.....

since I no longer have access to a functional digital camera and whatever else, I don't normally post pics up on here like the average dude. I figure I should get back into the active posting of the blog thing for no accurate reason, who knew this shit would be the new way to actually make an impression in the real world? I decided at my dayjob of briefcase rockers (and whatever is related to that) to become more of a pro-active dude a bit too late in the celebrity game, so before I gracefully bow out with no notice except for your favorite blog star spotting me at whole foods stocking, I figure I'll use 09 to explode onto no real scene in relative obscurity. I've been working on 2 records at the same time recently, which is pretty weird but pretty easy when you think of it as filling in blanks to a big puzzle. thavius got at me about working on some new labwaste stuff but I had to politely decline due to where I forecast labwaste being on the "2 dudes in a group" priority list for 09. I see us being WAY down there.....
speaking of labels, briefcase rockers and matte black are becoming cult faves, too bad I'm very shitty at delegating responsibility and motivating troops. it's pretty frustrating in so many ways to get a label popping with NO capital and no one really believing in what you are doing, due to who you choose to do it with. I personally believe in the future no matter how much it doesn't believe in me, so expect bangers for those that care from those that care.......

happy new year takeover

happy new year, this is an announcement that I will be taking over this blog pirate style and doing what the fuck I do on it since no one else contributes to it and everyone else has their own blogs now to reflect their individual pursuits. go to manybrain, life is like my cock on chocolates and whatever else dudes are up on because this is for me and I know you know......
NEW POSTS COMING SOON!!!